INT. Not Hogwarts - Year Seven
After wandering in the woods for two hours, DANIEL is captured by HELENA BONHAM CARTER.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I’m not in a Tim Burton movie!
Suddenly, DANIEL is rescued by a CGI Foetus called DOBBY. DOBBY dies.
Alright, let’s kill RALPH FIENNES.
Next time. The movie’s over.
Actually, I think this whole movie is
just the next movie’s deleted scenes.
To be continued…
INT. Hogwarts - Year Six
EMMA falls in love with RUPERT who is dating JESSIE CAVE but then he falls out of love with her and in love with EMMA.
DANIEL falls out of love with KATIE LEUNG and in love with BONNIE WRIGHT who falls out of love with ALFIE ENOCH and in love with DANIEL. They kiss!
(kills MICHAEL GAMBON)
I was bad after all!
INT. Hogwarts - Year Five
DANIEL is attacked by all remaining British actors that Americans recognise.
OK, if there’s one thing I know about
these movies, it’s someone will save me.
GARY OLDMAN rescues DANIEL.
GARY dies. RALPH appears.
MICHAEL rescues DANIEL
INT. Hogwarts - Year Four
DANIEL RADCLIFFE is forced to enter a wizard tournament.
This sucks, I forfeit.
For some reason, you can’t.
As usual, try not to die!
Everyone helps DANIEL cheat and he barely wins and then gets attacked by RALPH FIENNES.
I can smell your fear, Daniel!
No jokes about my nose!
Suddenly DANIEL is rescued by the ghosts of his dead parents.